I am sure we have all experienced a day in our life when things are not running as smoothly as we would like and you are left thinking – Why me? We will all experience some bumpy roads with a few unexpected potholes on our drive through life and sometimes others can definitely influence or create some bigger bumps but ultimately we choose how we approach that pothole.
As individuals we are responsible for our own actions and choices, regardless how we are swayed or coerced by society, we ultimately make the choice to behave and act in a particular way.
Let’s say after 10 years of you living on your speedbump free street, your local council puts in place a rather large speedbump. To make this visualisation even more challenging, you own a new sports performance ute that is your pride and joy (come on ladies you too can see yourself driving a fast, rumbling sports ute for a day, just for me in this instance). Before this speedbump was erected, you used to fly into your street, pulling around that corner with the glee that only the end of a work day can give us all, never second guessing how to drive up your street and pull into your driveway. But now you have a challenge to getting in and out of your street without damaging your beloved ute. How do you approach this? Well you need to get out of your street, to go to work, to the grocery store, the gym, the school, the café, your mates place….so you have no choice but to tackle it of course. May take you a couple of attempts using a slightly different method each time but you manage to figure it out…come at the speedbump on an angle, reduce your speed as you approach and come of the speedbump to ensure you eliminate or minimise bottoming out your vehicle. Sure you may have kicked up a small stink that the council put this speedbump in causing you to have slowdown in your own street but could the council be trying to increase safety of your loved ones in your street from speeding vehicles and reduce unnecessary traffic from passer-byers? Whatever the council’s reason, you accepted the challenge regardless so you could carry on with your life and you overcame that little life hurdle. So what happens when life throws us a challenge in another aspect such as work, finances, separation, and health to name a few? We generally accept the challenge and start working plans, seeking advice and putting into action how we can overcome or make this new “speedbump” work for us as best we can. However, some individuals will not see it this way, and will choose to play the victim for an extended or indefinite period of time instead of trying to accept or work at the challenge.
“Obstacles don’t have to stop you. If you run into a wall, don’t turn around and give up. Figure out how to climb it, go through it, or work around it.” – Michael Jordan
Given our small scenario above, there are individuals who will opt to play the victim and therefore will fail to see the council’s reasons as to why speedbump may have been constructed. These individuals will likely exhaust themselves with raising complaints to their local police station, council office and associates around them. They could potentially ring their workplace saying they can’t come to work due to the council causing a road block in their street. They may have a tendency to exaggerate the story, in this case may inform their workplace that the council has set up a roadblock in their street, exaggerating the dimensions of the speedbump, or make invalid accusations that council workers were loud, rude and inappropriate at them directly during the construction. During this lengthy, aggressive and passionate argument, the individual can genuinely believe they have been wrongly done by and feel they are entitled to something for this wrong doing. They may attempt to go to great lengths to try claim that entitlement so desperately crave causing themselves and those involved fatigue and varied heightened emotions. This example of a speedbump been erected is only a small example, however individuals who continue to display this behaviour in various scenarios which can be draining and time consuming to manage and cope with.
“Some people create their own storms, and then get upset when it rains.” – Unknown
Individuals who by habit chose to partake in self-victimisation can have various reasons for doing so. It could be to seek attention or to control, manipulate or influence others behaviours, thoughts and feelings. Furthermore, it could be a display the individual lacks reasonable coping mechanisms to situations they are facing. Generally, these individuals will avoid taking any responsibility for the situation or their actions, and abuse others verbally and or physically to try gain control or attempt to influence their associates. They can exaggerate details or be untruthful paying little to no attention or regard to how their dishonesties can be easily detected or the implications they can create. When they are faced by disagreements or further challenge, their emotions can become even more heightened and the individual can act aggressively and or even violently. In extreme cases, the individual can go as far as damaging their own property and or instigate and engage in further events to self-justify falsely accusing others for their feelings and actions.
So, how would you manage a romantic partner who displays these traits and continually plays the victim in various situations? To be clear, some individuals can be experiencing a diagnosed (or yet to be diagnosed by a mental health professional) personality disorder, however for this article, I am bringing to attention those individuals who consistently fail to take responsibility for their actions and place fault and blame on others. In general terms, individuals who enact self-victimization traits will act out in anger, placing blame on you and others for things not going how they desire. It is likely an issue that could be completely out of your control. After many experiences you will feel as if you cannot do anything right for them. You can become frustrated and anxious with the individual however you should try to ensure you remain unemotional and disengaged from their behaviour. You should state facts and remain calm and gentle in your deliverance. When participating in a conversation with the individual, ask them open-ended questions to make them control the script and not allow them to play on your words should they disagree with your opinion or advice as this will only encourage them to act out further and or become disgruntled. Ultimately, encouraging them to seek assistance and talk to a mental health professional could be a positive step forward for them, however they may perceive this as a personal attack on them and not welcome your advice. Should the individual’s continued behaviour affect your mood, behaviour and overall health, you may consider options to severe ties with this individual. I would propose that if this is an option you are considering, to engage in a mental health professional to assist you through the thought process.
“More people would learn from their mistakes if they weren’t so busy denying them.” – Harold J Smith
Until next time…Continue to Glo
K.
xx
